I have kind of touched on this before a bit, but the topic has come into new light since I found out we were destined to have a second child. One of my initial thoughts when Mike and I decided not to have any more babies was that my business would be my next focus. I am still desperate to pursue growth with the little time that I have, but haven't been able to shake a feeling that has caused me to become a bit stagnant in that area of my life. I guess in some ways it's fear...what if my business grows and then moves backward when I have our little girl? What if I can't sustain both? What if this is a waste of time? Most of the time this manifests itself in procrastination to write blog posts, write newsletters, connect on social media...and in the past few months I haven't really done these things at all. I hope to show up, and then I don't.
The perpetual thoughts in my mind about this often make me wonder if the pressure I put on myself is because of society telling me to do more. That mothering is not enough...but I definitely know that I have a desire to make more money and contribute in that way to our family. It's a double edge sword. On Sundays I am gone most of the day making juice for clients, and taking care of my business. I ache for Morrison by the time I am done. I know there will come a point where he doesn't want to be around me all the time. My business will suddenly have enough space to become bigger, and I'm sure I will think back on the time I decided to choose my kids over my business. My hope is that I can keep a dim light burning for business through the next couple of years, that I can rekindle into bright flames when my mom life isn't so full. The honest truth is that I love love being a mom right now, but I don't want to have nothing when I come out on the other side. I don't want to lose myself now, only to struggle to find her again in 5-10 years. I often read so much about continuing to make yourself a priority after kids...but what about the moms who really are happy to give pieces of that self up for awhile and really mom hard? I'm not talking about taking showers, self care time, etc...I'm talking about devoting more time to other life goals than to your kids. Listen, I am by no means saying this life is for everyone. I completely respect the women who are devoted to their career and can mom too. That person is just not me...I give my all but can't do it all. And right now I am blessed beyond belief to be able to spend most of my time with Morrison, and run my business on the side. Accepting this, and giving what I can to my business, while caring for my family will have to do for now. After all this is my present now, and what comes in the future will be then. Embrace, strive, and take care are the things I keep in mind these days.